


Kaleidoscope

by pearl_o



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-20
Updated: 2002-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-01 07:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/353917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearl_o/pseuds/pearl_o
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark knows it's wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaleidoscope

## Kaleidoscope

by Pearl-o

<http://www26.brinkster.com/pearlo/writing.html>

* * *

Clark knows it's wrong. He does. It's wrong, and every day he lets it go on, it's a little bit worse, and every time he tries to justify it, it's a little bit wronger, and every time he lies to Chloe and everybody he feels a little more guilty. 

His parents would be so disappointed in him. His dad would say, "I thought we raised you better than that, son." And "Be a man, Clark. Do the right thing." And probably something else, angry and disparaging of Lex, about how this proves everything he's ever said about Lex's worth as a friend and a human being. 

But his dad doesn't know. Just Clark and Lex. 

_Chloe_ doesn't know, of course. That's the worst, really, way beyond Clark's abstract moral dilemma -- because this isn't fair to Chloe at all. 

Or Lex, either, he guesses, but Lex doesn't seem to care, and that just confuses the already highly taxed guilt portion of Clark's brain even more. 

"Do you even _want_ me to break up with Chloe?" Clark had asked him once, straight out. 

Lex had looked at him thoughtfully. "I want you to have everything you want, Clark. If Chloe makes you happy, you should have her." 

"What about you?" 

"I have you," said Lex. "Maybe if I'd feel differently if I thought Chloe could change that. But she won't." 

Clark doesn't really get it -- shouldn't you want someone you care about to be with you, and just you? Clark can't imagine being happy in the same position, if Lex was with someone else. But Lex seems satisfied, and Clark doesn't know how to feel about that at all. 

So that leaves Chloe as victim here, and that's... 

Clark wants be the hero, the one who does the rescuing. He doesn't _want_ to be the villain. 

He doesn't want to hurt Chloe. Not at all, not ever. But the thing is, there doesn't seem to be any way around it anymore. 

He likes Chloe. He likes her a lot. She's one of his best friends, and he likes talking to her, hanging out with her, going out on dates with her and kissing her good night. He likes making her happy. He likes being the one who makes her smile and laugh and sparkle. 

But he doesn't like Chloe the way he thinks he should. Chloe doesn't make him tingle all over and think about her all the time, doesn't make him long to touch her and know her from the inside out, doesn't make him wish for things he can't ever have or ache to tell his secrets. 

Clark wants to like Chloe the way she deserves, and he's tried, he has. He should be with Chloe. He should be in love with her. 

Chloe shouldn't be second best. She should be first and only, and Clark knows he can't give that to her. 

What he would do, if he were a better person, or a stronger one, is stop seeing Lex. But Lex is right: he can't make himself do that, no matter how he tries to convince himself, because Lex _is_ the one who makes him feel that way. Not just friend, but best friend; not just affection and fondness, but something like need and desire and obsession, and maybe more. 

This is the sort of thing people mean when they talk about stringing someone along, and maybe he should just break it off with Chloe. That's what's supposed to be the kinder thing, right? But ... he'd just hurt her that way, too. 

Some of the time Clark's worried he doesn't feel worse than he does. When he drops Chloe off after their dates, and he goes to the mansion, or Lex shows up in the Fortress, sometimes he doesn't even remember to think about her at all, just Lex, and it all shifts over and changes, becomes right and perfect and sweet: it never feels wrong then at all. 

But it is wrong. It always shifts back to that, and no matter how much Clark twists the situation around in his mind, turning it again and again, he doesn't know how to make it right. 


End file.
